This morning’s meditation was extremely chaotic. Come to think of it, most of the meditations I’ve had recently have been pretty all over the place. I tend to get like this when I’m in a depressive swing and I can feel how little control I have over my own feelings and emotions. I guess it’s a good thing that I notice how chaotic I am, it means that I’m aware? Or some nonsense like that. In truth I am grateful that I’m able to feel these shifts in myself, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I had no change in emotion. Granted I have been in that place mentally, it just seems like I’m doing a little better at controlling my lived experience of my emotions. Usually I let everything go by the wayside and life falls apart for about two weeks; once I’ve hit rock bottom, whatever that is at the time, then is when I finally snap myself out of my own little pity party. It almost feels like I’ve gotten so apathetic that I tip the scale the other way out of apathy. Like why not be happy, there’s nothing to lose doing that? But as I said earlier, I’m feeling much more in control of day to day motions as they relate to my emotions. I’ve been doing a great job doing all the things I need to be doing throughout the day and still finding time to be a sack of poop and just play video games for five straight hours. But as long as I’m getting some writing, reading, music theory, exercise, memorization, (you get the idea) done, then I’ve still been feeling accomplished in my day to day life. I almost broke yesterday and bought a pack of cigarettes, I didn’t though! This actually made me feel really strong. For the first four hours of my day, all I wanted was a cig and it was actually an internal battle to not buy them, but once I firmly got that out of my head, I felt great. It’s moments like that where we really see how strong out mental vice is. Yes it’s just a pack of cigarettes, but more than that, it’s a craving, and irrational want, need if you’re in that pattern, and it takes so much of bargain and battle with yourself. Today is a new day and those urges are gone but new ones are here. Like right now I’m going into an opening shift at the donut shop and I’ve already made up my mind that I will have two donuts today because I feel like it. Sugar is just as addictive as nicotine, the only difference is that it tastes better. Willi.
